You know the old saying, Practice what you Preach! That is even more important after you are divorced.
I know, I know. You thought you were getting rid of your significant other, but they just became the one person you should treat the best.
I want to submit to you why:
The behavior you model in front of your kids will become the foundation for their future relationships, marriage, and how they raise their children.
Thinking back to your actions in the last few months of your marriage or how you acted during your divorce, are you scared of that behavior on repeat by your own children? I was.
Dave and I agreed when we divorced that we would ALWAYS put Aidan first, no matter what. We would be kind and include each other in the important events throughout our son’s life. I can honestly admit that my words/promises did not align with my heart right away, but I did the whole “fake it til you make it,” and it’s brought me to this moment of revelation about why I wanted it this way.
We may still be divorced, but how I include and treat Dave on those special occasions when we were all together – – – especially Aidan’s birthday and Christmas will leave an impression on Aidan about how he should treat his dad and how he should treat others. So, with Dave’s birthday this past week, I ensured Aidan had a gift for his father. I didn’t have to spend a ton of money. It was $24.76, to be exact, but it showed Aidan two things:
- Always celebrate the people you love and
- Regardless of how I feel about Dave and our divorce, I am making his dad a priority FOR HIM
There is no right or wrong way to do this; simply put aside your feelings and show your child how to love. We could have sat down and made him a card, which would have been the same concept – you don’t have to spend money if it’s tight. I spent 15 years of my life with this man. He’s the father of my child, and we have hurt each other deeply, but at the end of the day, he still deserves the love and respect of his son, and it is my responsibility to create an environment that encourages that. He needs to feel safe to “love on” his dad without me getting my feelings hurt or bashing him.
At the end of the day, I am encouraging him to build better practices for future relationships. Ultimately, I want his coming marriage to have a strong foundation where mine was lacking so he has a better chance at success.
Here are THREE ways you can cultivate a safe environment for your children to show love to the other parent:
1. Just listen
I saw a quote the other day that said, “The older I get, the more silent I become,” and I identify with that. Learn when to speak and when to listen. If your child comes home from a great weekend at Dad’s and can’t stop raving about it, smile and listen. It doesn’t matter if you are owed child support and the child is talking about all the things Dad took him to, and you are racking up the costs in your mind; stay silent. Your issue with your ex is not your child’s problem, and you should be happy that your child could have those experiences. DO NOT attack the other parent later, as it could lead to them yelling at the child for saying anything. Your child will feel betrayed, and it will become more challenging for them to share things with you. You want them to keep talking, especially as they get older. Create safety.
2. Remind your child about your Ex’s birthday, Christmas, or other holidays you may celebrate
It doesn’t cost you anything for your child to draw a picture, or you could take a nice photo of the child, print it at Walgreens, and put it in a frame from the Dollar Store. You are instilling the importance of giving and receiving. Gifts don’t have to be fancy or expensive; they must only come from the heart.
3. Don’t ask What, ask How
This concept is a critical communication lesson – upon returning from a weekend visiting with Mom or Dad, asking, “What did you do this weekend?” can leave the child feeling like they have to give you a play-by-play. You need to honestly assess why you are even asking – what are the real reasons you want to know? Quit being nosy and let your child enjoy the other parent. Share a genuine conversation with your child and ask, “How was your weekend?” This allows the child to tell you as much as they want and will spark more conversation. Either way, you allow your child to build a healthy boundary to discuss what they want, rather than being forced to spout off a list of everything done.
I am always here for you if you need help in this area!
I know it’s hard, girlfriend, especially if you were hurt deeply by your ex. Just know I am always here to talk it out, so don’t hesitate to connect.
