May 8, 2004, was one for the books. The weather was perfect – a blend of warm sunshine with sweet breezes, a gentle reminder of the final days of Spring in Atlanta. Starting early in the morning, I hustled from home to the salon to the church, gathering with my closest friends to prepare for one of my life’s most exciting days. I tried so hard to relish every moment, take in every block of time, every word spoken by our loved ones and each of our guests, every look on my new husband’s face, every song we danced to.
As with any wedding, some flaws and mishaps went against what we planned, but everything seemed flawless from the outsider’s perspective. Like the image I have been portraying my whole life: flawless – perfection.
Don’t get me wrong, I was happy. With a day like that, how could you not be? But I ignored the inner warnings and the red flags, and looking back after years and countless dollars spent on therapy, my wedding day was indeed the start of a journey that would show the real me – the broken, selfish tyrant that lived deep inside.
The me that had formed over the previous 23 years, fueled by rejection, anger, disappointment, pain, abandonment, distrust, hatred, lack of boundaries, and insecurities and, as a result, carelessly hurting people everywhere I went.
Looking back, I never would have imagined, on my wedding day, all the pain my now ex-husband and I would cause each other. After 15 years spent with a man I loved, I would never have guessed that I would give up, be done, or walk away from a marriage that I promised “To have and to hold, til death do us part,” but I did.
I have talked to many women in the same boat over the past few years and some men, too. It’s been stirring in my heart to write about it – say what others won’t or don’t know how to say.
I will share my journey of divorce, healing, being in a parenting partnership with the one I thought I would spend forever with, and the intimidating and ridiculous journey of after-divorce dating – (cough, cough) ONLINE!
Walking through a time of uncertainty is hard, especially alone. I pray this place online will give you a place to cry, laugh, identify with, and, most importantly, find a friend.
