In my world, birthdays are a big deal. I start celebrating September 1st and go well into October if the party is right. I ensure everyone knows it’s my birthday, so there is no excuse to forget me. Don’t judge me – I love birthdays.

So, seven months into my separation from my husband, it was nearing my birthday – the day before, actually. We talked most days during this time because we coordinated bills, bank accounts, kid activities, and visitation schedules. Keep in mind, during this time, we were separated for reconciliation, so we were supposed to be in a phase of “dating,” so to speak.

However, when we spoke the day before my birthday, he inquired at length about where I would be the next day. At first, I was a little agitated that he was asking so many questions, and then I thought he had never asked for this many details, but then it dawned on me that it was my birthday on Monday.

My wheels started turning. After sitting for a couple of hours at work in silence, I had convinced myself that my husband was asking so many questions because he would: 

1) send me flowers

2) bring me lunch to work as a surprise OR 

3) surprise me with a babysitter and take me out

Looking back four years later, I can now laugh at two hilarious points:

• how real it seemed at the time and
• how ridiculous I was for thinking that any of those things would happen

You see, we were waist-deep in counseling – things were not improving, he wasn’t even going to his single sessions, we were surviving, and honestly, there was no way he would have done anything of those things I had listed above. PLEASE HEAR ME; this isn’t a bash session on him AT ALL; it’s an honest realization.

In 15 years of being together, he had never sent me flowers at work. He had only brought me lunch with me, calling and asking him to. And bless him, he never took me out unannounced or took it upon himself to hire a babysitter.

Let’s break down the reasons real quick why he wouldn’t have done these things because, contrary to what you might be thinking, it wasn’t entirely on him:

• If he had brought flowers to work, I would have complained they weren’t peonies or given him a lecture on why he was spending money on something that would die.
• He’s not going to surprise me with my food because if he walked in with Italian – which is my favorite – I’d go on and on about watching carbs instead of saying thank you.
• And let’s get super REAL about the babysitter part: he knew I’d kill him if he called up a random person to watch our child without me interviewing them.

So why, this day of all days, did I think he would do something he had never done before? Well, because truth was at my heels, it was becoming more and more apparent that divorce was imminent and I was scared. I just wanted it to work. I’ve never been one to surrender, fail, or admit defeat; at the time, that was what divorce meant to me – failure!

So unconsciously, I decided not to focus on the truth of the past but rather allow this fear to spin my thoughts and emotions like a raging tornado, spinning out of control, destroying me as I quietly waited for him to “surprise me.” I waited, expectantly – but I set him up to fail. Monday came, and I went to work excitedly, but I was pretty upset there had been no deliveries by lunchtime. I was still holding it together because I knew he would surprise me. However, I was on the verge of tears when I got off work. I felt abandoned, forgotten, and unloved, and it was selfish.

I allowed myself to take a few simple questions, fill them with drama and unrealistic expectations, create chaos in my heart, and then spew anger and disgust when David didn’t fulfill those unexpressed expectations. Poor husband — had no idea what hit him. I can look at that conversation now and think, what if he asked those questions because he had nothing to say that day? What if that was his version of trying to communicate, but he felt just as broken, abandoned, and unloved and was trying to sound like he cared? We’ll never know, but I know this now:

“Silent expectations placed on another person creates chaos in your heart and damages trust that should have never been broken in the first place.”

Tiffany Shae

You see, by me putting these silent expectations on him, he damaged my trust that day, and he didn’t even know it. He had no idea what I expected of him, but it was easier for me to live in a fantasy of “what ifs,” and I set him up for failure in the process. Ultimately, I was only hurt because he was out of the loop and completely confused about why I was mad at him. The joke was on me that day.

Sweet friend, I ask you to step back in every situation and see if you have placed silent expectations on someone – a husband, a friend, a co-worker, or even a child. Are you upset with them and feeling chaos in your heart for something they “failed” you on but didn’t even know you needed it?

Let’s stand up together and take responsibility, let’s step out of our fantasy world and communicate our needs, our feelings, and our desires. If you aren’t a mind reader, we should expect others to be either!

And after all of that, if you need a friend to talk with or pray with you because you are walking through this right now, I am here. No judgment, I promise, because I have been there and done that. Message me, and we’ll share stories over coffee or FaceTime.